I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
