Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The air was thick with penises
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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