Sponge bath it is.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
