the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
