i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
