I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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