She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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