I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
