Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
