i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
