i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
