You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
