The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
