"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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