i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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