I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
