Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize