Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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