I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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