Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
