did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
