drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
