apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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