my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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