Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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