jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You are a booty call, not a friend.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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