Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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