my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
