The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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