dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i jhust puked up my retainher.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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