we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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