remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
