last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
