I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
