So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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