my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
