Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
