god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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