Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
