2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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