I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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