I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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