I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
