I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
