Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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