I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
