Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize