I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
