The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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