You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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