i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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