If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
