i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
