Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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