my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
