I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
