birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
