I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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