my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
