2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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