I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
