My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
