I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
