I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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