You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
