I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
