i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I stole a fireplace last night.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
