Who wears a wallet chain?!
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
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Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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